he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize