I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
