My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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