hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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