You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
