If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Randomize
