I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
