the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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