so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
