Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
