Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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