she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
