I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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