oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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