Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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