if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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