I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
