Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
