just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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