HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Randomize
