morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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