this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize