With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
