I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
