I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
