Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
