I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
