I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Randomize
