I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
