i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
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