Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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