He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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