franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
