Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
The beer is more important than you right now.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Cover your peen. We're going out.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
