Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
