dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
