i'm signing you up for texting rehab
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
