I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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