Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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