I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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