She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
