the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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