So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
