is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
