i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
