remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
