He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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