dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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