i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
