Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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