dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
