hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
