i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize