Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
