The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
