6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
