I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Randomize
