Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
