i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Randomize
